


I'm Afraid

by enkelimagnus



Series: Jewish Life of Simon and Maia [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Antisemitism, F/M, Jewish Simon Lewis, Judaism, Maia being supportive, Mention of the Holocaust, This was written as a catharsis for the Pittsburgh Shootings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 13:33:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16430354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enkelimagnus/pseuds/enkelimagnus
Summary: Maia finds Simon, after she learns about the Pittsburgh Shootings.





	I'm Afraid

Maia found him on their favorite town-watching spot, on the roof of their apartments’ building. It was where they were planning on building the sukkah next year, now that they had realized how easy it was to access it. 

She knew what had happened. It was all over the news now. In the mouth of many people, but also too few. She knew that Simon was probably having a hard time. He took those events to heart, like many in the Jewish community. Like herself. Probably even more. 

She walked up to him and settled by his side, but didn’t touch him yet. She knew touching needed to be initiated by him. She knew how it felt to be overwhelmed by feelings, to be in complete distress, and sometimes touch didn’t help. 

He was looking away, seemingly trying to grasp the horizon, behind the taller buildings around them, despite the distance and the obstacles. They were sitting on the edge of the building too, in a position that was a bit too dangerous for Maia’s taste. 

“How are you?” She asked softly. 

Simon took a moment to reply. He didn’t really know how he was, really. He didn’t know how to explain it. And explain the fear, and the part of his brain - old, nervous, used to these situations in a way that he couldn’t really explain or understand himself - that was yelling at him to run. Get out before he couldn’t. 

There was a truth about being Jewish. Thousands of years of trauma shaped their DNAs, shaped their minds to bring out this… knowledge of survival. Instincts that few other communities had. Every Jewish fiber in Simon’s being was screaming at him that things were getting worse, and that he needed to pack his bags, and leave for somewhere where he would be safe - for now. 

How long until he would have to go again? Maybe a century, maybe less. 

“I’m… managing.” That half-truth tasted like chalk in Simon’s dry mouth. 

“I’m there. You can talk about it.” 

How many Jewish Downworlders were there in Poland, in Germany, France, everywhere where the nazis had been? How many saved by warlocks? How many people could have died more? How many of the Downworlders had believed and followed nazis as well? How many could turn against Simon and his people, and his family, Maia and Rebecca and his mom, and Bubbe Helen. 

Shit. Bubbe Helen. 

Simon turned to look at Maia, and try to reach for his phone. Maia took his hand gently. “I had Rebecca on the phone. Your grandma is alright. Shaken, they all are, but alright.” She promised. 

Simon nodded and went back to watching the buildings for a moment. It was a bit cold, end of October air wrapping around them as it slithered in between the buildings. Maia squeezed his hand and he squeezed back. 

“I’m afraid.” He whispered. 

“You’re safe.” Maia replied. 

He shook his head. “I know I am. I’m a vampire. I’m a Daylighter. I could… run away in a heart beat, I could survive being shot, I could… I could survive almost everything. But this… i’m not afraid about myself.” He licked his lips. Everything felt dry and cold and icy. “I’m afraid… for my family. And for you. And for… everyone. For my people. Things… things are bad.”

Maia elected to let him talk about everything. 

“I’m afraid of the world’s reaction, of the world’s lack of reaction to what’s happening to us. I’m afraid of the way people see us as oppressors. I’m afraid of the way no one really cares about us, not when there isn’t an agenda behind the sentiment.” He whispered. “I’m afraid that… they could do worse next time.” 

“With luck, there won’t be a next time.” 

“Im yirtze hashem.” Simon muttered, looking at her this time. “I… I don’t believe that luck will help right now. I know there will be something else. Worse or not.” He whispered. “It’s like no one really wants to stop. What did we ever do to them? We’re just existing. Living, in peace, living happily amongst them.” 

“Those things rarely have an explanation. People… need to stop being this ignorant and hateful.” 

“How do we stop them? How to help them if all we get is death in return?” Simon replied, shaking his head. “Will it only stop when we are all dead, where there will be none of us to push them to kill us?” he asked. 

He knew that… they would not stop fighting. He knew that himself wouldn’t stop being proudly Jewish, ostentatiously Jewish. Especially because he could not die, he had a duty to stay outwardly Jewish. 

“I don’t feel shame for it,” he started again. “I’m not ashamed of being Jewish. I’m not afraid of being Jewish, of course not. I’m afraid for my family, for how those who wish to kill us could harm them. But I know…. I’m never going to stop being proud of who I am, of my faith. I’m never going to stop being Jewish and loving every single second of it.” 

Maia smiled softly, leaning against him and squeezing his hand. “I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, please consider donating to HIAS, the Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society, if able. they support refugees and immigrants all over the world. 
> 
> Also The Tree of Life Synagogue takes donations. 
> 
> It’s customary in Judaism to make donations in multiples of 18 as to bless the recipient(s) with good health and long life (the numerical value of the Hebrew word “chai” which means “life”), but by all means, just give what you can.


End file.
